The Ken Johnson Group / April 26, 2006 Featured Article

Tradition, Tradition, the Bane of the Twenty-First Century Church

by Ken Johnson

Who day and night must scramble for a living, (Go ahead if you know the melody sing along) feed a wife and children, say his daily prayers? And who has the right as master of the house to have the final word at home? The papa, the papa, tradition… Now let’s change the words a little and make them fit the church in the 21st century; Who day and night must scramble for a living, feed a wife and children, say his daily prayers, and who has the right as master of his church to have the final word at church? The pastor, the pastor, tradition… Tradition from Fiddler on the Roof—I love the show and I love the song, but look at what it says. How far did the traditions get Tevye? Back in the early 1900’s Tevye realized that the end had come, that the traditions of the past were gone and he had to move into the 20th century. Guess what? We are now in the 21st century and each passing day moves us closer to the 22nd century. Time is not slowing down or going backwards. It’s moving relentlessly toward the next decade and the next century. Why was Tevye able to finally give up the traditions, but the church hasn’t?

Realize that it’s not always the pastor who has problems with tradition, but many times the congregation (usually the long time members) has a problem with giving up the traditions and making needed change. I only used the pastor because it fit in the lyric and melodic line.

Don’t get me wrong, I like tradition in many instances, but when we worship tradition instead of God then I have a problem.

The other day as I was reading the scriptures I came across something that I had always wondered about and had never found. I have for years wondered where the church got the idea that there needed to be a pulpit on stage left and a lectern on stage right and that the clergy needed to wear the proper vestments. Wow, what a find! Here is the scripture according to Ken about both of these situations. This is from the KJV—King James Version—I’m sure that Jesus wouldn’t use any other version—aren’t you? Actually it is the KJV—Ken Johnson Version. I’m sure that everything this scripture says is true because I have seen it in many of the 94 churches I have visited. Here’s how it goes:

John 6: 1-etc. KJV—King James Version and KJV—Ken Johnson Version

1 After these things Jesus went over the sea of Galilee, which is the sea of Tiberias.

2 And a great multitude followed him, because they saw his miracles which he did on them that were diseased.

3 And Jesus went up into a mountain, and there he sat with his disciples.

4 And the Passover, a feast of the Jews was nigh.

5 When Jesus then lifted up his eyes, and saw a great company come unto him, he saith unto Philip, 5c Quickly get a pulpit and place it down stage left, a lectern down stage right, and a communion table down stage center.

5d Likewise get proper robes for the disciples and myself with properly colored stoles and a properly colored communion table cloth and properly colored cloths for the pulpit and lectern.

5e And in like manner get hymnals and pew Bibles and prepare for worship.

5f Ask the office secretary to prepare the bulletins.

5g Quickly go tell the disciples the I am here, and ready them for a proper worship service.

5h Make sure that the disciple’s choir is prepared with proper robes and stoles with an anthem and proper responses for this season of the year.

5i Go through the crowd and find some of our closest followers to take the offering. Make sure that they are trustworthy, because we may need the money for the road.

5j Quickly now, quickly they are coming near.

5k And after the 60 minute (not one second more) service Jesus said;

5b Whence shall we buy bread that these may eat?

6 ……..

Does that sound like your service? Are those the things you are always worried about? It is definitely important to look and feel as professional as possible but do we need all of proper fixings that we have created?

With the right amount of searching I also found these Thou Shalts in Psalm 151 and I was sure you would want to read them:

To the pastor and associate pastors:

Whenever two or more are gathered together thou shalt wear thy robe with the appropriately colored stole.

Thou shalt never speak from just any place on the platform—thou must always use the pulpit or lectern. Oh there may be a time or two that you can stand behind the communion table and speak, but not too often.

Thou shalt never stray from the platform and speak from the congregational level or thou shall be smitten mute. Remember, since you are ordained you are a level above those people sitting in the pew--don’t allow yourself to be lowered to their level.

Thou shalt include The Lord’s Prayer, the Doxology, the Apostles Creed or something in the same vein at every worship service. Remember Jesus wrote these and not using them or something like them constitutes sure condemnation.

Thou shalt never ask anyone in the congregation or yourself for that matter to say a spontaneous prayer—you don’t want to embarrass anybody especially you.

To the choir and director:

Thou (the choir and you) shalt wear thy robes with appropriately colored stoles.

Thou shalt remember that the choir is supposed to do everything from the choir loft, because that’s what the choir did in Jesus’ time.

Thou shalt not allow your soloist, small groups or choir to sing or play anything from memory. They need to hold music and stand behind the pulpit or a modesty rail so their shaking knees won’t show.

Thou shalt remember when you perform (whoops, I thought that it was praise teams who performed—I guess I was wrong) your anthem that it should be professionally done—that’s the reason you hire a professional choir director instead of a Christian.

To the Worship Committee Chairperson:

Thou shalt always use season appropriate communion table cloths and pulpit and lectern cloths, and make sure that the pastors and choir stoles adhere to these same color rules.

Thou shalt find the crankiest members of the congregation to usher—don’t have them help people find their seats, let the people find their own.

Thou shalt fill the communion cups with well watered down grape juice, for the budget is a little low this month.

Thou shalt not worry if the bread is day old or two months old (remember they just get a small piece and when they dunk it in the grape juice they won’t know anyhow) just get the cheapest you can find.

To the ushers:

Thou shalt hand out bulletins, and if anyone disturbs you as you are talking to your friends to get a bulletin tell them politely to wait.

Thou shalt take the offering and glare at anyone who doesn’t put something into the offering plate.

Thou shalt have only half as many ushers as you need—it won’t hurt the people to stand up and walk down the pew to give the next person the offering plate.

To the congregation:

Thou shalt sleep at the appropriate times and stand and sit when you are supposed to.

Thou shalt complain about the hymns, the sound system, the message and anything else you can think of.

There were more but I thought that these were the most important ones.

As I was searching the archives to find scripture about Jesus speaking to the 5000 I found hidden in the historical manuscripts a copy of a newsletter article about a Sunday service. It goes like this;

January 5, 0029

On this beautiful Sabbath morning the organist began their 100 decibel (be sure to put your Kleenex in your ears) prelude as the congregation slowly drifted into the sanctuary without a word—that’s so we don’t bother the star organists solo—and by the way this is the sanctuary and aren’t we supposed to be quiet in the sanctuary?. At the end of the solo and four key changes the choir, looking quite stiff in their perfectly pressed choir robes purchase from ER Moore, sang the Introit. After that the choir, followed by the clergy, walked in to the strains of the first hymn (#169 Standing on the Promises—yea a rousing hymn—could they do it any slower? I may be dead before they finish this hymn) and took their normal place in the choir loft upstage of Jesus and the disciples.

After a proper welcome and a few announcements, (why do we have to include announcements in our “worship” anyway?) we did the first (of many) responsive readings—This is the only way that we will get to Heaven!—and read a prayer together. Do they ever pray spontaneous prayers in this church? uh oh, here comes Gertrude Thorn-In-The-Side running down the center aisle, she forgot she was supposed to make an announcement about the women’s bridge club meeting on Wednesday morning—oh—she almost fell running around that corner, but she made it in time to make her announcement—I think she must have forgotten to make it at the beginning. Then comes the morning scripture. It’s a good thing that they have Bibles in the pews or I wouldn’t know what a Bible looked like. Uh oh, what is the page number? How do they expect me to find the scripture if they don’t tell me the page number?... Oh, page 641, thank you. Oh good, we get to do another responsive reading and the Apostle’s Creed. Wow, I’m glad they do that every Sunday, I’ve said that so many times that I don’t even have to use my brain, it just comes out. And now the Lord’s Prayer. You know I’ve said this so many times that I can do it in neutral. Incidentally, I’ve said it so many times that I don’t even know what it means. Oh well, that’s church isn’t it? Most people come to church so they have at least one hour of no-brainer a week. Something they can do in low gear, actually even in reverse, get it over with and then go home to do something important.

Next its time for the offering—Oh no, I forgot to get anything out of the piggy bank—what am I going to do just sit here and look silly? I guess so. Oh well, I’ll figure something out before the plate passes. Maybe I can just put my closed hand into the plate and make it look like I put something in… Yeah, it worked. Oh no, do we have to stand again? “Praise God from whom…” Hymn #228, It Is Well With My Soul. Good another familiar song—by the way, what do those words mean? Oh, who cares, I can look at the words next Sunday. Yeah, it’s time for the message, time for a little nap; I was just starting to get tired. A 20 minute power nap, everyone needs at least one a day.

Jesus gets up from His chair and moves to the Dwight Eisenhower (you’ll understand in a minute) pulpit on stage left to deliver His sermon. He will keep it to 20 minutes so the service can end precisely at 12:00 and everyone can get to Village Inn or Kentucky Fried Chicken by 12:30 (you have to beat the crowd you know) for dinner, or get home on time to listen to a game. Oh, by the way, the disciples were the liturgists and they spoke from the lectern on stage right and made sure that they didn’t upstage Jesus. Both Jesus and the disciples were in proper vestments (purchased at Cokesbury) so as not to disturb any of the people’s traditions.

Uh…. Uh…, what did you say? Oh the sermon is finished? It’s about time, I didn’t think he would ever get finished. Oh good, its 11:55 we’ll make it home in time for the Olympic ping pong match.

The service ended with a final hymn #218 The Solid Rock—Great, it’s in three that should be good for the choir to march out on, this will get the people ready to go out and minister this week. …..Wow, that was slow; if it had been any slower the choir would have gone backwards. We end with a final prayer read by Jesus and the congregation--It’s obvious from the looks on the people’s faces that church isn’t very exciting and I’m wondering why these people come every Sunday. I wonder what the purpose of church is—is it just a place to go out of habit every Sunday? I’m sure that I could find something much more exciting than this to go to every Sunday—why am I here?

Other vital information:

There was a notice in the bulletin that the Women’s Association had recently purchased the pastors’ vestments from Cokesbury on the corner of 23rd and Vine, and since they were for Jesus and His disciples Cokesbury gave them a 40% discount instead of the normal 20% pastor’s discount.

Since Jesus’ robe was purchased by the women’s association He is obligated to wear it each time he preaches or someone will surely get angry.

Jesus’, the disciple’s and the choir’s stoles, along with the cloth on the communion table and the cloths hanging on the pulpit and lectern were color coordinated for the season. Myrtle, the President of the Women’s Association, takes care of this task each Sunday—thanks Myrtle.

Another Sunday down the drain.

Yours truly,

Mable Syrup

Recording Secretary

Miserable Church, Jerusalem

If you think I am being facetious you are partly right, but these old traditions were man made in the first place and are not realistic in 2006. I also realize that I am being very harsh, but if you take time to visit a number of other churches you will see that what I have written is true. When are we going to change these old habits which have almost run the mainline church out of the church business?

A few years ago I attended a church where the contemporary service ran a little late and they weren’t able to get the Eisenhower pulpit onto the platform for the traditional service. One of the older men of the congregation came up to me and said he wondered how they could possibly do the service without the proper pulpit in place. I proceeded to laugh and he got upset saying that he was serious. How do you answer such a ludicrous question? Is there anyone out there that really believes that you can’t do a service without the pulpit? If you are there please let me know your reasoning.

A few months later at the same church one of the women of the church noticed that a plaque designating the Dwight Eisenhower pew was missing and she wondered how they could have worship without the plaque—you’re right, she was serious.

Regretfully tradition and this backwards kind of thinking is what has killed the traditional church and it will continue until they finally realize where they are going and change some of these old traditions. Most of the younger people today don’t have any interest in the traditions of the past. They want to begin their own traditions and hopefully they will realize that their children will want to begin their own traditions tomorrow and it will allow the church to begin to flourish again.

Are their some churches still thriving with the continued use of the traditions—sure, Bach was able to continue the traditions of the Baroque period well into the Classical period, but when he died the Baroque period died. Is that the way we should do it? Keep the old traditions until the church as we know it dies? Absolutely not! It is going to be very difficult to revive some churches with what we’ve done to them, but with a little understanding and faith in God to carry us through I know we can. We need to make the changes as quickly as possible, realize that tomorrow is a new day and that the world is changing everyday and we need to change with it.

Part 2